Life lessons for my girl: version 1.0

As I watch my 12-year-old daughter start to go through the typical growing pains of middle school, I can’t help but want to put some little life lessons in writing for her. When I was her age, my dad taught me so much about how the world worked, and though through a super cynical lens, I learned a lot. Today I’m still learning to navigate successfully-ish with the guidance of my husband, my mom and a select few. We should never stop asking questions, adjusting our sails and changing our course.

Does it make you happy doe?
This should be the first question you ask yourself when making even the smallest decision. Over the past few years it’s been my go-to. It’s not difficult to manage your life if this is your priority because the world is full of people who don’t give 2 shits about you or your happiness. Trick is not getting stuck in the spiral of immediate gratification, because in the end… most times than not… you’ll screw yourself.

Boundaries are mandatory.
There are always going to be people who want something from you, whether it’s your time, your kindness or your energy. Everyone wants to be happy and there are some who feel it’s impossible to get there without constantly relying on you. It’s not our responsibility to guide them, especially if the price is too high. We can’t get stuck in the trap of losing ourselves to assist others. Without limits, we can be sucked dry and left frustrated and resentful. The only people that cannot accept a “no” are the ones that only care about their own wellbeing. Only you know your limits and the sooner you establish them, the better off you will be. If you have the capability and the energy to help others, always do so. Nothing is more rewarding than lending a hand, if you are clear when you’ve had too much.

It doesn’t really matter.
In the grand scheme of things, most of your difficulties today don’t really have much of an impact on your life. Always ask yourself, “Does it really matter?”. Most of the time, it just simply doesn’t. Think about the things that upset you yesterday… The guy that nearly side swiped you because he was on the phone, your best friend ignored you at school, your crush has a new bae and you feel inferior. Whatever. Step back and look at your life so far and how much you have ahead. It’s literally a blip on the radar. This is perspective. You need some of that stuff.

Learn from your mistakes.
Always use your experiences to learn what works and what doesn’t. Don’t be one of those people that constantly makes the same damn “mistakes” over and over. Nothing is more annoying than the victim mentality. Everyone is busy, everyone gets sick, everyone has bad days… but constantly being in the hole, continually getting into bad relationships, or having multiple bankruptcies means you’re the asshole; not the world. Take your “failures” and use them as learning tools. Keyword learning.

Never allow someone else to dictate your emotions.
This is a tough one for me, because I haven’t mastered it yet. I feel like the silliest things trigger me. I can only ask myself why. Why are the actions of someone else creating such an emotional response? Is my ego taking over? Are there insecurities surfacing I didn’t know about? The world is not unfair or out to get you… your reaction is. The situation is only as big as you make it.

Don’t talk shit.
Talking about other people shows incredible weakness. Don’t do it. If there is something you don’t like about someone- use it as a lesson of what not to do yourself. Think she’s an asshole for crying over spilled milk? Don’t cry over spilled milk then. We all make judgements… She never should have bought that car if she can’t afford it, he talks too much, she’s selfish, she got fat… Rather than bitching and moaning about people or things that you have no control of and have no impact on your life, focus your attention inward and don’t do that shit yourself. Period.

Cha’ cha’ changes.
Everything changes. Literally, everything. All. The. Time. My mom used to tell me never to get married before I turned 30 because the difference between ages 20 and 30 are drastic, and she (of course) was right. My viewpoints, religious beliefs and goals were completely different in my 20’s then they are now. In conversations with my elderly family members I know how much will change in the years to come, as well. Being able to manage emotions in a healthy way and adjust to those changes will be essential… for all of us.

Everything is figureoutable.

Currently, 80 percent of women in the U.S. are dissatisfied with their appearance. And more than 10 million are suffering from eating disorders.

• According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 42% of 1^st – 3^rd grade girls want to lose weight, and 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat.
• According to a study in Pediatrics, about 2/3 of girls in the 5th to 12th grades said that social media images influence their vision of an ideal body, and about HALF of the girls said the images made them want to lose weight.
• According to Teen magazine, 35% of girls ages 6 – 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50 to 70% of normal-weight girls think they are overweight.

Recently labeled “thin-heritance,” explores how a mother’s views about food, dieting, and negative attitudes about her body increase her children’s risk for poor body image and eating disorders… Just another reason for me to decide to end the cycle. Bella has witnessed me gain and lose weight over the years, comment on my body and hear me say, “I can’t have that” far too many times. If the physical and psychological damage we are doing to ourselves isn’t enough, we must think about the damage we are doing to our children, and society in general. With the huge rise in cancer (among many other diseases) today, we need to make our health a priority NOT OUR IMAGE. With improved health and wellbeing our image will automatically improve, but we need to stop flipping our priorities. With that being said, I will tell you what I have been up to…

For years and years I have starved and binged, starved and binged. The toll this has taken on my body has been huge. With the use of drugs like phentermine it’s all too easy to drop a quick 20, just to gain it all back again just in time for the next fad. I’ve re-learned through my coach Liz Garvey and a great friend in recovery from an eating disorder what I always knew and just refused to do… There is no fast fix. There is no magic product or pill that will make you lose weight. You literally HAVE TO do the work.

Over the years I’ve been focused on counting calories, losing count of calories, not eating this, only eating that. What these women helped me see is that there is no “good” or “bad” food. Just food, only balance. You have to FEED your body what it needs and what any body needs is calories, carbs, fat and protein in balanced amounts. I’ve carved out a plan for myself to lose about a pound a week, and let me tell you… for a chronic dieter with impulse control issues and a need for instant gratification this is TORTURE, but I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I am so dizzy from my own yo yo dieting roller coaster. I’m tired of loving my body, then hating it if it gets chunky. I’m learning to embrace the fact that I put myself here, and it’s me and me alone that will get me out.

How I started:

After getting on the scale one morning, and seeing that number…I texted my coach Liz as a plea for help. I cried. I curled up into a ball. I crawled back into bed and turned off my phone and planned on sleeping the day away. I hated myself. I covered up in blankets, thinking about how it was so unfair that I had these genetics. Why did I have to be the fat one? Why me? Then… something hit me. Why me? BECAUSE OF ME. I did this, no one else. I starved, popped pills, and then overate. I can’t hate myself because of myself. That’s just ridiculous. (Fun fact: A study of more than 3,000 adolescent girls showed that seven out of 10 believe that they are not good enough. They feel they aren’t measuring up in terms of their appearance, academic performance and personal relationships. The same study showed that 75 percent of girls with low self-esteem have engaged in “negative activities such as disordered eating, cutting, bullying, smoking, or drinking when feeling badly about themselves.”) So, I got out of bed, put my big girl panties on and made a plan.

CLEANSE PHASE

We all know how much I love AdvoCare products like Spark for energy, so I went a step farther and decided on starting the well-known 24 Day Challenge. I know, I know- I said there’s no magic product or quick fix, but… within the challenge there is a cleanse. I knew I needed to clear my gut, and eating well and plenty of water is a stellar way to do it, but I wanted a bigger boost. The cleanse has a probiotic, fiber and cleanse tablets that are full of vitamins, minerals and extracts that HELP rid my body of all the crap I was stuffing it with.

CLEAN EATING

I was always wanting to eat the way I wanted. I was rebellious, convinced I was going to do shit my way. Whelp. Here I am, nearly 40lbs heavier than last year at this time. I decided to suck it up and just pretend that I am an athlete. Yep. Me. Jeanna. I’m an athlete. I need to eat a certain way, feed my body at certain times in order to perform at an optimum level. Comical, I know, but it’s kinda feeling a little great. I meal prepped for the first time EVER. I decided to just suck it up. I know A LOT about nutrition, I just ignored it in the past because… well… it was easier to just NOT eat. My coach guided me with my macros, I downloaded MyFitnessPal (I added my coach to my friends list so she could see my choices and motivate/monitor me) and I just went for it. It really wasn’t that serious. I forced myself to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It was fairly easy for my body to remember how to process 3+ meals a day (rather than one huge meal). I’m learning to listen to body, and its responding slowly but surely. My gut has needed a little more help lately, because my bowel has definitely slowed down, and my insides aren’t quite sure what to do. After my hysterectomy in 2012, and the inevitable shifting of my bowels to fill that empty space, I get some blockages now and again. Anyone that has had a total hysterectomy will, at some point or another complain about their stomach issues- whether its gas, bloating, or bowel movements. I added AdvoGreens Powder to my daily routine a few days a week to help things along. No joke this stuff SAVED me this week. I was really suffering from abdominal pain and THE ONLY thing that worked was my AdvoGreens. They are full of broad variety of phytonutrients, antioxidants, enzymes, prebiotics and probiotics that literally ended my pain in less than 5 minutes.

MOVEMENT

I hate cardio. I hate sweating. Working out is boring and PURE TORTURE. There are a few ways to get your movement in that I could somewhat tolerate, though. Instead of hating the treadmill everyday (which is in my hot ass garage), I signed up for Betty Rocker’s FREE (hello!) 30-day challenge which is only 15 minutes a day. Yo. 15 MINUTES. My coach asked I send her a selfie every day after completing the workouts, and I’ve managed to complete about half. Ish. I’ve also joined a cheap gym and attend classes a few days a week with friends to make it more fun and it gives me another way to be accountable. Not only am I paying good money for the membership, but the other girls are relying on me to be there with them as much as I am them.  Its getting cooler outside, so getting myself to the park with Ashton has been great for my mind while getting a few steps in. Looking at beautiful scenery and stepping in wet grass with a smiling dog should help anyone’s mood. I mean, really.  A few nights a week I do yoga before bed, sometimes midday if it’s been an emotional one… there’s a million and a half videos on YouTube that are free, no equipment ways to do SOMETHING. I’ve even got Dean and Bella joining in sometimes. Like, really… who hates yoga? Satan. Satan hates yoga and that’s about it.

Even if I don’t get through an entire workout, I feel better for just taking that time for myself and doing something to better myself. Getting that blood and oxygen flowing is THE BEST medicine for a shitty mood. Everyone knows it. Duh.

So. Here we are… My cleanse phase ends today, and now I begin the next 14 days of the 24 Day Challenge. I have only one goal for the next 14 days: do the best I can with what I have. That’s the cool thing about discovering AdvoCare… I discovered my coach. Sometimes we need to suck it up and admit we don’t know everything and we need a little help. This was ESPECIALLY HARD for me to admit, but I’m sure as shit glad I did.

If any of you want to learn more or need a swift kick in the ass, just email me. I’ll hook you up with my coach Liz, we’ll find some tools, and establish a plan together.

Remember my Liz inspired quote: 

 

Until next time… xo

at the park with Ashton

 

from the yoyo dieter.

I think I noticed being a yoyo dieter.

Early.

They made fun of me in 6^th grade for being “fat”.

I called other girls “fat”.

It’s nothing emotional either. It was emotional way back when… there was a stuffing of feelings then… when 10-year-old me sat in that chair and ate alone for hours and hours. Now though, I really don’t think so.

Nevertheless, I get so big that I have to pull back and get control again… to reign things back in. So I diet. I pick the nearest, greatest new thing. Metabolife, Adkins, Paleo, HCG, Weight Watchers, Meth, Adderall, Phentermine, coffee and cigarettes, laxatives. I was walking my ass to the gym every morning before school when I was 14. Went nearly 3 miles there and back every. damn. day. FOURTEEN. Like, what? There were no other 14 year olds in there. Trust me.

I don’t eat because I’m bored. I don’t eat because I’m lonely or have deep seeded daddy issues.

I’ve constantly starved and stuffed over and over again. For years. I learned “good” foods vs. “bad” foods. I learned only men ate the bread and the women ate the salad. I learned my Mom ate 500 calories a day at one point. 500 calories a day OF PASTA. Do you know what 500 calories of pasta looks like? Here ya go.

Ridic. Not to mention, the complete lack of nutritional value, but whatever.

I think gaining is just a loss of control. Maybe we fight so much every day to control so much, that we just say “fuck it” and let go? We eat the damn bread. We eat it because we are tired.

Maybe.

Maybe if I let go of trying to control something else I’ll feel well enough to always hold on to this one?

((Side note, I’m starving right now from looking for images for this damn post. Honestly.)

“The body is much smarter than the average person. You may trick it once or twice, but it will learn how to overcome what you are trying to do to it.”

The point where your body outsmarts you… Until next time, toodaloo bitches.

 

Family, family, family. Blah bleh bla.

Family is a mix of a bunch of coworkers, really. A handful of them you like, a few dozen of who you don’t, and a couple are just creepy as hell.  

Family is the ones you fight with, who you stop talking to. Maybe there’s a few that you liked once. Or never. Especially in Italian families, it’s all you hear. “But, she’s family,” they say. “Family sticks together.” “Family comes before anything.” Ya da yada. It’s also especially common for Italian families to write each other off. We will cut you out faster than we took you in. The ones you like, and you’re proud to call family are the ones that are like you. They’re someone you’d actually be friends with, and having the same view about Aunt XYZ is just a bonus. You like the fact that you share blood somewhere in there, even though it literally means nothing. It’s just nice to know someone else grew up kinda the way you did. 

One other hand, and a much more common scenario, is when we literally can’t stand the sight of the person. Maybe they wronged you, maybe they wronged your dad… Either way it is what it is. The fact that we still pull this ‘family is everything’ shit is ridic. Why THE HELL do I just haaave to be forced to tolerate someone that has completely different morals than I have? Because it would make your great uncle roll over in his grave? Common. If I don’t respect you as a person, I don’t feel we need to “stick together”. This isn’t Ellis Island in 1921.

The new, modern family is different now. We don’t rely on our families nearly the way we did back in the day, and that’s ok. Personally, my family was always just my parents and me. That’s it. Sure, I had extended family, but when I needed someone- that’s who I had. Every. Single. Time. Now that I’m older, I don’t have much to do with a lot of my family on any side. I’ve got my faves, duh. But they are so much more than family. They’re my friends and I actually like them. 

Point is, today’s family is a mix of friends and relatives. I can list more friends that would drop what they’re doing to be by my side if I needed them. We (being millennials or genX) don’t have to tolerate shitty people. I’ve had plenty do it to me, and vice versa. It’s ok! Stop the “family is everything” show. It’s dumb. No relationship should ever be forced.  

Side note: if you do decide to cut someone out… Don’t be a dick about it. Just slowwwwwly back that shit up. And, you must be prepared to deal with the outcome. If I am not too fond of my brother John, but I adore his wife, I’ll probably suck it up because I don’t want to lose her. If you’re going to write me off- you have to know that my mother and my husband are coming with me. It’s just how shit works. It doesn’t mean “family isn’t everything”. It just means, we are the family. It’s how I grew up- its how I (and most that I associate with) chose to live. That’s it. That is your priority. Anyone that doesn’t get that… Meh. I probably don’t like ya anyway.

Until next time,

Adios bitchachos.

Mrs. Fatty McFatterson.

Whelp. I’m getting fat. Again. And I honestly have zero fucks. 

Ok, maybe like .5 fucks, but still. I’m not killing myself, destroying my organs and hating my body because YOU think I’m prettier thinner. 

Well no shit. But, I can’t help that in a healthy way right now. 

I thought you were prettier pre-wrinkles. I thought YOU were prettier before you drew in your eyebrows, glued someone else’s hair to your your own, and pumped your lips. I thought you were prettier before your pointless fake tits. 

I may be getting fat, but my heart and mind (lucky you) are exactly the same. 

And, who asked you? What’s it to you what I weigh? Gah! 

AND… Stop fucking saying someone “looks great” when they lose weight. So stupid. 

“She looks good, gurrrl.”

“Mhm. But she’s on speed.”

“But she look good, doe.”

Screw your Phentermine. Screw your meth, your Adderall. Your diets and gimmicks and greed. 

I. Do. Not. Care. 

If you’re a judgmental dick that finds me less of a person than I was 1 year ago- piss off. You’re the type of douchebag that cheats on your wife while she’s home on the treadmill with 3 kids screaming in the next room. 

Honestly. 

I need a snack. I’m starving. All this typing and shit. 

Toodaloo bitches. 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼

the spouse & the fight.

I go online to ask the gods of google to help me find some answers. I type in: should you have sex when you’re fighting? I find a Men’s Health article… and look at the shit picture they have below the article title:

Really Men’s Health?

Really?

This is your typical couple that we can all relate to? Uhg.

Anyway. I’m really curious about this. My gut says the most “healthy” thing to do would be to yes, have sex even if you’re fighting. I just don’t know how the hell to get there. Personally, I can’t even manage to stay in my own home when I’m pissed. I’ve driven the city, gone to a park, left the state… slept in my car.

But really- I don’t understand why couples fight in the first place. Like, we’ve been together all this time now, whether it be 5, 10 or even 20 years if you’re lucky (or not). We’ve been in these relationships for a while, and now, aaaaalll of a sudden, shit starts bothering us. Why the hell is that? Do we get bored, and so we offer less effection and attention to our spouse? Do we get tired of faking it? Do our electronics, social media and the MLB channel or CNN take over our entertainment rather than our significant other?

What is it that changes?

I think we all become one of two things: complacent or more ballsy. Me, for example, decided I don’t need to be on my best behavior anymore. I already won him over and somehow convinced him (in so many ways) to marry me. So I, in turn, decided I don’t need to keep quiet anymore. All these things bothered me from the beginning I just wasn’t willing to stir the pot. Now, however, Ive got nothing to lose- except giving blow jobs and nightly cooking. It’s a win win. For me.

What we should do is remember why we married this person. At some point, we thought the best of them. Or, we wanted to change them or hoped they would change for us. (You know, because we’re so freaking wonderful). For the latter, you’re lame. Never happens. For the rest of us, we fell in love with something. We admired their ability to figure out the tip without using a calculator, their desire to make us happy, their need for our approval. Whatever it is, we need to remember. Like, often. For me, it seems I had forgotten. All those wonderful things somehow annoyed me now. So, I brought myself back to when we were dating, and I loved how calm he was, and how he was so open with his feelings, and loved to talk things over. I loved his ability to remember, his love of numbers and baseball and nailing any MLB trivia question. I admired his passion and drive, his unbelievable determination to be better.

Communication doesn’t turn to shit. It always was shit. We didn’t fight back then because we didn’t want to create drama, or stir the pot, or break up. The couples that began with stellar communication are probably the ones that are still married today. Its difficult, and I am no example of what to do, by any means. I don’t know a damn thing about communication, and I know my relationships and friendships reflect that. But, shit. The only thing any of us can do is look to improve every day. Lucky for me, my husband and I share that quality.

Until next time,

Toodaloo bitches.

 

(the meds must be working.)

TNS

Some of the items I brought home yesterday: Mens underwear, my dog Tundra’s chain and leash from 1983, license plates, 1 plastic cup, Snooker’s ashes, 2 tvs, some furs, my day planner from 1999 (to include a CopyShip schedule by Quenby), a Bugs Bunny plaque, and WAY TOO MANY pictures of my dads cars. Like, waaaaayyyyy too many.

I think it’s all fantastic. I am also thrilled that of all things… He kept my Barbie Ferrari. IN THE BOX.

I stumbled across a lot of my Grams things too, ya know… Like wooden fruit in a bowl and a framed picture of her dog Rusty. (Same dog that I had constant nightmares about as a kid. Damn dog.)I took a few minutes to appreciate everything he saved, for whatever damn reason he saved them. I took the dollar bill off his bulletin board, because I’m convinced someday I’ll figure out why he saved it. I took the business card for the transport plane that took flew him from Havasu to USC for his transplant, and the calendar left on October 17th, 2001 when he got the call. I took the giant map of Sicily and found the pushpin mark on Valguarnera.

There was a beautiful sunset, and I loved seeing the glow of Vegas behind the mountains. It’s always good to be home… Regardless of where that may be.  

grief is a dumb word.

I realized something pretty crushing today. I realized I felt just as horrendous as I did in 2003, when my dad first died. Like, exactly the same. Then, just as suddenly I realized that I am grieving. AGAIN. Because now is when I do what most people do right away when someone dies. Having that house made his death so much less real. Like, he was just away for a while. (Really, though… Where the fuck would he go?! Seriously.)

So. Now here we are. Again. 13 years later. And, we found his wedding ring.

So, I suppose it’s time… Shitty as it is. Tomorrow will be a bitch.

Until then…

Toodaloo bitches.

birrrfday doe.

Now that my birthday is over… I suppose it wasn’t thaaaat bad. I spent the day with Ashton, on the most part. I got mah nails did. I had dinner with my mom. I laughed. I took a shit ton of selfies and snaps. I got prezzies AND a sundae.

    

Ill miss my mom.

Maybe I am sadder (I hate that word) about how our relationship has changed so much since Dean and Bella. We were tied together at the hip most my life, and it almost killed us once. I know it is the right thing to do, but I hate change so… there’s that.

I have to make trip one of many to Havasu on Saturday. I am beyond uneasy over it. The entire thing. I am literally saying goodbye to a giant chunk of my childhood. Leaving my dad’s home, that was my “happy place” for over 20 years (holy shit) is pretty traumatic, I suppose. The last place him and I hung out, talking about everything. The last place he had a “penis butter” sandwich on white bread with “orange jews” and a handful of pills. The last place I purposely stopped him in his tracks by stepping on his “cord”. The place I went before I knew what I know now. Where I searched and found every answer I ever needed. I know his home doesn’t make my memories any clearer, or my sadness any weaker- but it sure as shit sucks to lose it.

I actually remember little things here and there. Random as hell things. Like how he sucked at his teeth after he ate, or how he always did the sign of the cross as soon as he got in the car. I miss my freaking dad the same as the day he died. I just try my damnedest to not think about it, and some days I can manage to only think of him 3 or 4 times. But, I do think of him every day. Every day he crosses my mind, and more times than not, I push it aside because it still crushes me just the same as that night I sat outside of USC on a bench holding his robe, and crying like I never cried before.

Borderline funny how the death of his dad sent him downward… how it made him so sick, and killed him faster than it should have- and how that almost happened to me.

Whiiiiiiich brings me to my birthday.

I go to sleep tonight happier than I did last night. I am embracing my 35^th. It all could have ended differently, and I know how lucky I am to still be here, filling my curiosity. We bitch about aging, our wrinkles and our sagging guts, but honestly, its either going to get way worse or we wont be here at all. Might as well have a little fun while we are here, shit.

Well, I have a BIRTHDAY chocolate bar waiting for me. And, its 2a. so… byeeeeeee

Toodaloo bitches.

depression is a royal bitch.

I’ve taken a backseat. Behind the me that I put away – but still gets restless every now and again.

The me that I’ve healed, squashed, beat and tossed, but that bitch keeps creeping back. The me that sneaks up so quiet that I can’t begin to notice until its far too late. The me that slashes harder each time at my soul tossing each piece like trash.

Like fuckin’ trash.

My drive, my passions, my curiosity ceases to exist at all.

The me that is terrified, and over thinks, and can’t find enough people to hate.

Shittiest part is that I don’t even know which one is the true me.

They both blend together so closely now.

Maybe they’re both me. Probably.

• • •

Everything is dull. No matter how blue the skies, or how green the grass there’s only a fuzzy, colorless fog.

The most remarkable people are within reach, but you have no fucking idea because you have the blinders on.

Everything that can go wrong does. All the time.

Rage is so easy. There’s a million and two reasons to have rage. The speed limit, for example.

You forget everything that ever brought you joy, because at the end of the day, it’s simply ridiculous to enjoy everything when your entire existence is pointless.

(You’re floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere.)

Love isn’t real. There’s no way you ever loved this person in front of you. Right?

You find that you don’t even have the energy to stand, let alone leave the house.
Pa-lease.

The only escape is sleep. So, that’s what you do. It’s all you can manage.

Sleep.

“and all of a sudden i felt really tired. like the world had drained me for everything that I had.”